Clackmannan County v Dunfermline Carnegie Cricket Club First Team on Sat 23 Aug 2008 at 13.00
Dunfermline Carnegie Cricket Club Lost by 170 runs
The Names have been changed to protect the humilated .
Morning sports fans , how you all doing ? I am so fecking sore this morning . Not even a combination of painkillers and booze was enough to dull the pain of a broken finger and severley dented pride last night after our defeat away to clackmannan . Things had started well yesterday I managed to catch the right train from kirkcaldy and didnt pay the fare , a good result there . We even managed to meet at the malky on time albeit one man short despite frantic phoning from stand in skipper , who we shall call Mr Egg-shell white , to try and recruit new players . So we set off to clackmannan , got there and were inmmediately disappointed to find the ground wasnt under water . Mr Egg- shell white went off to do the toss . Dont know who won that as the opening bowler , who we shall call Mr Pink and myself were trying to find out if the bar was open and how much was a pint . We bowled first anyway .
Mr Pink and fellow opening bowler , who we shall call Dr Green , started off well . The scoring little more than 3 an over after 7 overs , when Mr Pink got the opening wicket . Slip fielder , who we shall call Mr White , taking a good catch to his left . It has to be said that all the runs off Mr Pink had come via genuine knicks through third slip and he probably deserved the wicket . It also has to be said that Gav er Mr Pink has to be the only bowler to get sawdust put down on a artificial wicket ! This brought in the number 3 who from the start looked like a good bat , we didnt seem to cause him many problems and he and the opener moved untroubled along despite the best efforts of Mr Orange ( YOU CAN ALL WORK OUT WHO THAT IS . IF YOU CANT HE LIKES TO WALK ALONG TO FLUTE MUSIC ) , Dr green and Mr Blue ( he has punter on the back of his shirt ) . All this was to change when Skip Mr egg-shell white bowled a slow ball , okay the batsman thought it was a slow ball but the bowler assure me it was him bowling flat out , and looped up a catch taken well in the covers by Mr Blue . Nine runs later Mr Orange struck . Mr orange appealled for LBW and got it . Some suggest that the umpire belonged to the same lodge as the bowler as that can be the only reasonable explanation for the appeal being upheld ! Mr Pink said and i quote " feck me i heard the thick edge at point !" . Still we werent complaining . Some more bowling changes were tried , The better hunter brother who we shall call Mr Grey , was tried but nerves seemed to get the better of him so we will skip those overs . This brought me on . I shall say i was fecking brilliant ! For a man who retired last year and hadnt bowled in a good few years my very very very very very very slow medium right arm dross didnt get thrashed around the park as was expected by some , A large under 18 lad who we shall call Mr Plum didnt beleive i could bowl . In many ways he is right but i got a wicket so nah nah nah nah ! Anyway I digress . Back to the action . Mr egg- shell white got the next wicket , thanks to well feck it no point being bashfull ME . I said the guy would hit it to cow corner , matty wauchop style , and was proved right when he it straight to me . The more shocked amongst you wont beleive i caught it but i did ! Then i followed it up by getting the opener who had scored a good 72 caught at slip by Mr white . At this point i was telling people what the lottery numbers would be that evening . Wickets continued to fall , the next two being run outs . One good one er odd . The first run out involved a relay throw least thats what we tried to say it was . Mr egg-shell white produced a throw last seen when Alan Bath played for us IE it about hit his own toes and rolled about 15 yards from where he stood but Mr Blue swooped , picked up the ball and threw down the stumps ! The next run out was made by a clack sub fielder who ran out one of his own players ! He had the good grace to look downcast about it . Dr Green came back to finish the innings with two wickets in four balls , Mr Orange taking a catch for the first and Dr Green taking a caught and bowled for the second . 191 all out . A great effort giving the reduced strength of the team , could have been better but Mr pink missed an easy catch whilst keeping . I mention this cause i was fecking bowling and yes I AM BITTER .
Tea was taken . Mr Plum had two teas . I had a pint and a few smokes .
Batting details are available on request ( As are the bowling details but i cant be bothered typing them here ). Suffice to say the highlights were Mr Pink securing the batting trophy by doing what was needed . IE he wafted about outside his offstump and was caught for duck . I topped scored , no bad given i broke a finger .I say i broke a finger i balme Mr Pink he did it . Any medical people reading this painkillers and two litres of stella artois DO mix *! Some folk scored there first runs for the saturday team .
Anyways the most important thing was we fielded well , everyone did themself proud in the field . The batting was er consistent !?!?! We got more points than was expected IE more than one . We did ensure that MR Bob Hunter lost the lead in the fantasy cricket , by naming Gary Steward as 12th man on the teamsheet even though we only had ten . Thus ensuring gary gets the points for 12th man dutys ! Thems the rules Bob , unlucky . In fact Gary was to be named man of the match too but the stand in skip decieded no award was to be made ..
* disclaimer , this was said tounge in cheek . Consult your doctor first before taking booze and drugs , well prescription ones anyway . Better no to ask about the other type of drugs .
Dunfermline Carnegie Cricket Club First Team Batting
18 for 10
Clackmannan County Bowling
Clackmannan County Batting
188 for 10
Dunfermline Carnegie Cricket Club First Team Bowling